So Ask Uncle Zog Already
After a school-sponsored screening of Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, Ms. Mahoney's 5th grade class from St. Christina of the Conception Elementary School had some questions. Of course they turned to the man who has all the answers.

Q. What is Jesus' Passion?- Dan Gaba, age 11

A. Woodworking. . . and modern dance.

Q. Why was there no Joseph in the movie?- Keith O'Shaunessy, age 10

A. Oy, does Mel have some "father issues" or what? In Mel's mind, I imagine Joseph was busy embarrassing his son by giving interviews proclaiming that "the Holocaust is never GOING to happen in nineteen hundred years, no matter what they tell you!"

Q. In the movie, Jesus had a brother. Do you think he had an inferiority complex having to live up to his brother?- Richard Bolster, age 12

A. Oh, no. Jesus' brother Simon was the sort of fellow who really knew how to appreciate and celebrate who his brother was. He threw "you bring the water, we make it wine" parties, and he was never shy about going up to any velvet rope in Jerusalem and saying, "I'm pretty sure I'm on the list. My name is Simon. . . Simon CHRIST." And he was always asking Jesus to make recordings for his buddies' outgoing messages, like: "Hey, this is Jeeze. What would I do? I'd leave a message."

Q. In the last scene of the movie, Jesus seemed really pissed. Is that possible?- "Little" Joe LoTruglio, age 15

A. Of course, you would too if someone hung you up to dry for days, like a wet shmatte. By having Jesus revive himself, Mel is cleverly keeping the door open for a sequel, perhaps "Jesus II : Resurrection Boogaloo." In the last scene of the film, Jesus resurrects himself (wherein I do believe he becomes bulletproof) and struts out the door with a determined look, undoubtedly to "get biblical" on some "Roman ass" - and now you can too! With the all new JESUS ACTION FIGURE by ZogCo! Pretend you are doling out some divine payback with the newly resurrected Jesus. This limited edition comes complete with real stigmata blood and afterlife-like "smiting" action.

Q. Is the movie really anti-Semitic?- Costanza Cortez, age 12

A. Well, little 'girlchik', it depends how you look at it. If you think Jesus got what was coming to him, or that nailing people to stuff is fun and cool, then NO.

Q. I heard that Jim Caviezel (who played Jesus) got hit by lightening during the filming, and that the assistant director got hit twice! Is that true?- Danny, age 11

A. Caviezel was my assistant, Marty's, idea. I tell you, the things he thinks up. It was Simcha Torah and we had been out all night, all strung out on kasha and gefilte, and Marty says he's heard that Mel Gibson is making this Jesus movie, that it's defamatory to the Jews, and that we should 'punk' them with a "message from God" - which, at the time, I thought was hilarious, but I guess you had to be there. The assistant director, on the other hand, really was a message from God. What can I tell you? Everyone's a critic.

Have a question for Uncle Zog? Email him! His address is unclezog@internationaljewishconspiracy.com, like that you can't forget!

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